Just over 3 months in.  

Here we are.

Lakeside, starting a church.  

What a journey it has been already.  

Thanks God.  Thanks for the new friendships.  Thanks for the baptism.  Thanks for the prayers.  Thanks for the connections with other churches.  Thanks for the running club and our friends camping out by the lake.  Thanks for the other church plants.  Thanks for the group of people who believe in this thing.  Thanks for the vision and the dream of what you could do in us and through us.  

Father, please keep this thing about you and what you’re up to here.  Protect us from focusing too much on the work and making it about us.  

Please, make this thing yours.  Make me yours.  Make my marriage yours.  Make our home yours.  Make our friendships yours.  Make our community yours.  Make our vision yours, our dreams yours, our concerns yours, our plans yours, our budget yours, our future yours.

My life 
Will underwhelm
What’s in my heart
Your love
Will overcome 
My failures
In this place we moved
We need you
Redeem our stories
Once more

My voice
Will fall short
Of your mystery
Your voice 
Will still speak
In this city
In this place we moved
We need you
Redeem our stories
Once more

On this overpass
We believe you’ll catch us
By the waterside
We believe you sent us

Lead us in
All of this
Find us where 
Your will be done

 

Holy smokes.

It’s been over two years since I got married, left my job, moved to Pasadena, and started seminary.  This has been a rich and memorable season for numerous reasons.  We’ve made new friends, learned new things, ventured into marriage, struggled with jobs, wrestled with seminary, journeyed through new places, and been called to the next season.  Here are some memories and lessons I hope to keep as we begin this new adventure- one that is filled with huge dreams and just as huge unknowns.

Things I’m not going to miss:
-LA Traffic
-LA Smog
-LA noise
-LA heat
-Lack of nature
-Learning ancient languages

Things I will miss:
-Friends (more about that below)
-Pasadena life (restaurants, bars, coffee shops, culture)
-LA weather
-LA culture
-The Rose Bowl
-Learning in a classroom, being a full-time student
-Going to Angels games and wearing Oakland A’s gear

Non Bullet-Point Things:

We made some friends we’re truly undeserving of.  That about sums it up.  Some of the most sincere and incredible people I’ve ever known, we’ve met over the past two years.  I really hope that these friendships will continue on into the future.  You know who you are, thank you.

Seminary is a mixed bag (for me).  I’ve loved many aspects of getting to formally learn about my faith, but if I’m most honest much of the structure and format seem disconnected with living out a Jesus following life.  I can only speak from my own experience, but the places I’ve grown the most over the last two years has been in context of ministry and life, not academics.  Furthermore, many of the conversations we have in seminary seem to be insider talk, disconnected from the world.  I know it’s a privilege to attend graduate school, and by no means am I complaining, it’s just that I really do have mixed feelings about the whole thing.  (rumor has it that Fuller agrees with me and is changing the program very soon)

Marriage is really fun.  Over and over I’m blown away by the fact that I get to share life with my best friend.  Even though life isn’t perfect and there have been challenges over this season, it’s been such a privilege to walk through this all with Alie.    Moving to a new place and building community together has been such an adventure.  Setting up our first home, living in it, and now packing it all up has allowed for so many memories and experiences.

This time was clarifying.  One of the most important things about these last few years has been what we’ve learned about ourselves and what we want to do with our lives.  For both Alie and I this was a time of clarifying our calling, our values, and the direction we’ll move next.  In that way this season has really prepared us for our the things we’re feeling called into and out of.

So there ya have it.  Two years summarized in a few paragraphs!  Thanks Fuller, Cedars, Pasadena, Madison Square, Highway 5, Pacific Ocean, and the rest of Southern California for the lessons learned and memories made!  Thanks God for creating all of those things and allowing us to be here.  I’m really looking forward to fog.

Last Saturday my grandfather, Ray Spellacy passed away. He’ll be missed tremendously. He left his mark on many. Thanks to the wisdom of one of my mentors, I’ve been learning to listen to my emotions and thoughts during times like these. The other day, after being really busy and tired, I finally got some time to jot down some of my observations about death, as I grieved the loss of a man who meant much to me. For what it’s worth, here are my thoughts, unedited, taken from my journal:

-“He’s not gone or erased. He’s just not here anymore. Where he is now is something only faith can speak to. This is what my soul and spirit and heart are telling me. This is what I feel. His body is dead, but he is not. I’m not sure how this works, but the Christ story, which I’ve wed myself to (or has wed itself to me), offers clues, but still remains a mystery. What is the ultimate message, story, truth? It is that Grandpa is still alive!”

-“Grandpa spent his last night confessing and praying. Are there words besides these that can possibly be uttered as death creeps near? Confession and repentance are the ultimate statement of gratitude.”

-“One of the most soothing moments was playing with Ethan Jensen, Grandpa’s great grandson. Something about his innocence and obliviousness to Grandpa’s passing bookended life, framing the ends, and was very true.”

-“I could not control my sadness. Once the door was opened it was hard to shut. We’re just along for the ride when it comes to mourning. There is no protocol, besides being honest, and I need to be honest because my grief is trying to tell me something very important about life, about reality, about family, about love, about what is of real value.”

-“Grandpa apparently regretted not spending more time with his kids, not knowing them more. In light of his imminent death, he didn’t regret not making more money, going on more trips, eating more good food, or being more comfortable in life, but not knowing and being known by his kids. I think we’ll all regret this. I also think this is an impossibly hard task, knowing others and being known. Work, achievements, pleasures, busyness, possessions, promotions, are all easier and simpler causes to give our lives too.”

-“Being with family is what I want most. We don’t have to talk about it or be productive, we just need to be in each others presence. Sharing space with one another as we all have been met with loss feels natural, as if it’s where I’m supposed to be. At the right moment, thoughts memories, stories, laughter, and tears organically bubble up and it’s like he’s alive and in our midst. Thank you God for family.”

On the road to life
You breathed your last breath
Machines gave out their ring
You’re not here
A daughter gave her ear
The night before you left
Confession and forgiveness
Rained down

Your time, was a gift to us
Grand is the mark you left on us

On the Laramie train
Your future carved its way
Through mountains to her side
Your bride
Pacific Ocean waves
Crash through the Golden Gate
Your family and your work
On these shores

On cobblestone streets
Of London does it snow
A village in your eyes
A joy in ours
Are these memories
A cabin in the woods
A store of medicine
Your charming smile

Your time, was a gift to us
Grand is the mark you left on us

This week at my small group Adam had the idea of writing a lament in light of the lament we read in Jonah 2.  

 

From the beginning you were there
Lassie, Legos, and Doc Martin Laces.
Even the slopes of the East Bay
When I was just DNA in my parents bodies.
You’ve always been there.

Here I am, marriage, ministry, Myanmar.
Still just a man.
Sometimes I travel away from you.
I turn you off and pretend you’re not here.
And I’m addicted to doing it.
I hate this about me.
Shame, guilt, fear, isolation have named me.
Screens, lights, and feelings have ensnared me.
I can’t get out. 

I’m down here at the bottom of this Bay.
Below who I know you’ve made me to Be.
Send me a line.  Break these barriers.

If do my best to be silent and hear you, will you say something?

Releasing this weight I step out and step up.
Swimming for air I move
Towards the waving murky light.

The first painful breath, every time its the same.
Don’t let me forget your words,
“I’m never leaving you son
No matter how much you’ve done
or how far you’ve run
I’m never leaving you son”

Break this heart of stone
And clean this confused soul
Like only you can
Like you’ve always done 
You’ve always been there.

Years ago a dream began to steep in my mind. It’s birthed out of a deep conviction that the greatest force for change in our world is the transforming love of Christ, that heals, redeems, liberates, forgives, and reconciles. As I began to think and talk more about this dream, others began to join in on the conversation. We started to realize that in our context spaces where culture and Christ intersect are far and few between. Most of us live in a world that seems disconnected from the story of redemption found in the Bible. The community of Christ and the community of our culture are often like a parallel lines that never connect or cross. The church and the world are often speaking different cultural languages altogether, leaving large portions of our culture distant from even the possibility of a communion with our Creator.

This week 2013 commenced in my life with a colorful range of experiences and emotions.  I agree with my friend Abigail who shared with me on New Years Eve, “My heart is full!”, for I was also in the midst of “heart-fullness” myself, though not all of mine was as joyful as that night.

Here are some treasured memories and hopeful thoughts from this last week that I’ve categorized Newness, Love, Failing Health, and Faith.  These four experiences tugged at my emotions and heart longings in startling ways, and in many ways, are still.

Newness: Multiple new things are transpiring on the frontiers of my friends lives mostly involving career success, exciting living situations, and potential new relationships.  New things in life are so exciting, they feel like we’re exploring a new unmapped region of the world and anything can happen.  Being present in these exciting developments must serve some anthropological purpose because it was seriously pleasurable sharing in the anxious positivity together.

Love: I was given the insane privilege of serving as wedding officiant for one of my closest friends.  Getting a front row seat at such a special and sacred moment is an opportunity I feel completely undeserving of.  Furthermore, experiencing the covenantal precipice of joyous matrimony reminded me of how deeply I love my own wife and how grateful I am to be her husband.  Love is a mysterious and unrivaled notion, only satiated by the love of God himself, from Whom our love stems and in Whom it finds its home.  The love we encounter in this life is merely the echos of a far more grand, indescribable love, Whose origins are eternal and Whose  scope is immeasurable.  At 1 John says, “We love because he first loved us”.

Failing Health: At the other end of the experience spectrum was grief.  Grief is often defined as a reaction to loss.  One of my mentors often said, “to live well is to grieve well”.  What he meant by this is that life is full of loss.  Though life is filled with countless new experiences, it is also and ultimately filled with loss.  We lose our hair, we lose our friends, we lose the game, we lose our youth, we lose our abilities, we lose our loved ones, we lose our time, and we watch others as they engage in the seemingly unfamiliar encounter of loss.  For the past few years my family has encountered some loss, most recently my grandmother as her health slowly but surely goes away.  Watching my parents respond with faithfulness and grief puts things into perspective in a way that words cannot.  They say death is the great equalizer because it reminds us that we are finite and temporary.  If failing health is a future most of us will experience, I hope we can take comfort in Christ who is thoroughly accustomed to death goes before us in our suffering and loss and who said, “if you lose your life for me, you will find it” (Matt 16:25).

Faith: One of the most commonly used movie clips to describe faith is this one.  I know it’s a little cheesy but it provides great imagery to the faith journey.  As we enter into a new year, there are some big steps of faith ahead for us.  The first one is our organization Bridges Myanmar.  The second is a dream we’ve had for years to plant a church.  We don’t know what it will look like, or how it will happen, but we’re doing our best to be trusting in God as he leads us.  As newness, love, and loss occupied my mind and heart this past week, I couldn’t help but sense that these will be important themes and patterns in the years and decades ahead.  And even though this week contained both highs and lows, my heart was full.  Faith for me this week means embracing the spectrum of experience, both the highs and the lows, and trusting in Gods presence as we step into the unknown.  

What initial experiences shaped the beginning of your 2013?  What areas in your life are you feeling challenged to step into?  Faith? Uncertainty?  Productivity?

Here we go again.  Tomorrow evening six of us are heading to Myanmar.  This will be my 9th time taking teams and Alie’s 4th time.  As we get make the final preparations for our trip I just wanted to thank everyone for their continued and amazing support of the ministry we get to be a part of in Myanmar.  Over the years we’ve taken almost 40 people to Myanmar and donated computers, medical supplies, musical instruments, food, money, field trips for the orphans, and tons of other resources to our friends in this impoverished nation.

None of this would be possible if it weren’t for the amazing community here in the States.  Churches like CrossWinds, SMCC, and others have supported us in huge ways.  Hundreds of individuals have donated their money, time, and heart to help our friends in Myanmar.  Getting a front row seat to all of this and seeing just how generous you have been has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life.  This year was no different as we were able to raise an unbelievable amount of funds and gifts that will make a huge difference in the lives of our friends in Myanmar.

This year, in addition to raising all the trip costs for 6 people to travel to Myanmar, supporters and believers in the cause contributed to making a difference in Myanmar in these ways:
-Over $2,000 to be donated to the orphanage (this will go to rice, clothes, school supplies, medical expenses, etc.)
-$500 to scholarship one the orphan’s school expenses
-$500 for Church ministry expenses in Myanmar (building repairs, music equipment etc)
– 2 Portable computers that will be used for the orphanage and ministry leaders
-2 Smart phones to be used by local leaders to better serve their community
-5 sets of nice clothes to be distributed to the community
-20-30 small gifts of toys and crafts for the orphans
Trust me when I say that these donations will be a tremendous blessing to our friends in Myanmar.

In case we didn’t get the chance to tell you in person, THANK YOU for this.  There are no words to express the gratitude we feel for your support.

We are so excited to go back to Myanmar to see our friends and family.  We’re also excited for the future opportunity to make an even larger impact in Myanmar.  In case you haven’t heard, we’re working on starting a non-profit called Bridges Myanmar that will continue and increase this work.  We’d love your prayers for us as we proceed with this.

Most significant to our partnership has been the friendship we’ve been privileged to have.  Because of the consistent nature of our friendship, we’ve gotten to see them grow and change and they’ve gotten to see us grow and change.  For almost 10 years we’ve been creating memories and doing our best to be a blessing in one another’s lives.  They know our names, and we know theirs.  This year’s trip may be particularly difficult for us because one of our close friends, who was a young leader and all around amazing dude suddenly passed away.  His name was Bo Bo.  He was about 21 years old.  His family is one of the pillars of the community and it has no doubt been a tough year for everyone.  Thinking about not seeing Bo Bo this year brings tears.  I’m not sure why his life was shortened.  I don’t understand why we get to live here, in a place with healthcare and doctors, and he didn’t.  Certainly we’re not worthy of what we’ve been given.  If you’re the praying type, please pray for Bo Bo’s family and his church community.  We hope to bring them some sort of encouragement, some how.

“So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord.  For we live by believing and not by seeing.  Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.” – 2 Corinthians 5:6-8

In the spirit of advent (waiting, longing, needing) and inspired by one of my old Pastors, here’s some lyrics:

You are are the one
Our souls long for
You are the one
Who holds all reality

In Your heart
Lay all our cares
When we’re alone
You hold us close

Hold me where I stand
Help me find my way
Teach us to be grateful
Take away our shame

You’re everywhere
Redeeming us
You’re everything
Our hearts need

On the Cross
You poured out
All your love
For your bride
On that day
Death brought life
In your wounds
We were healed.

There is so much going on in our world.  It’s unbelievable.

Does it ever overwhelm you?

Overwhelm:
a : to cover over completely : submerge
b : to overcome by superior force or number
c : to overpower in thought or feeling

When you’re flipping through the channels, and some dramatic news commentator’s voice catches your ear as they describe a global catastrophe or event, does the sheer enormous scope of our reality ever overwhelm you?

Today at church we prayed for the conflict and instability in the Middle East.  We prayed for peace, mercy, justice, and reconciliation.   We need God’s mercy now more than ever.

On the way home I heard on the radio people talking about President Obamas historic visit to Myanmar.  As you may know, we’ve been connected to Myanmar for the better part of 10 years, and I’ve found myself cautiously amazed by all that’s going on in that country.  There is is still a lot of work to be done and needs to be met, but progress is taking place.

Living in an age of connectedness, we face an unprecedented amount of daily content.  The most intriguing aspect of this to me is not the fact that we have access to so much information, but that there really is so much going on.  Everywhere we look lives are being changed, nations are being shaped, and humanity is bursting forth in all it’s beauty and depravity. History is unfolding all around us.  Some of it is tragic, and some of it it is hopeful.

How are we supposed to respond to the overwhelming amount of events unfolding in our world, if at all?  

What if we were supposed to be overwhelmed by our reality?

What if being overwhelmed was the only reasonable response to all that’s going on?  What if the feeling of being overwhelmed was actually our hearts trying to tell us something about the nature of existence?  As I was wrestling with this stuff today I had a few thoughts for myself and my friends:

Don’t run from it.  One of the temptations Americans face is to settle into our comfort and security, claiming “ignorance is bliss”, and pretending that what’s going on in the world isn’t real.  The way I see it, this is insanity, in that it is a type of self-deception.  When we convince ourselves that there isn’t actually a world of desperate need all around us, we’re like a cancer patient who continues to deny their disease.  Don’t lie to yourself, embrace the truth of our reality, even if it is overwhelming.  Watch the news, read the blogs, and hear the stories of what our world is like.

Pray.  One of the most profound aspects of prayer is the acknowledgement of our smallness.  As a Christian I take so much comfort in the belief that there is a God, and that He will ultimately bring the peace and justice all of us long for.  How awesome is it that we can release our worries to God?  Furthermore, I also believe in a spiritual reality, that our prayers are not fleeting or simply self serving, but that they do have the potential to impact our world.  What would happen if we let the news guide our prayers? What if we followed the overwhelming stuff in our lives into a posture of constant prayer?  This has often brought a sense of peace that I can’t explain…

Do something.  Pretty self explanatory.  Give money, volunteer hours, change your habits.  Do what you can, what is within your capacity – This is usually more than we think.  Then see if you can do more. In our society it seems like we work so that we can play.  Come Friday night most of us find ourselves at the movies or out at dinner with friends.  What if we worked so that we could make difference?  What if our free time was spend doing something that wasn’t about us?

I’m realizing today that being overwhelmed is sanity, because if we aren’t overwhelmed by the sheer scope of our reality, both its depravity and beauty, we aren’t seeing it as it is.  The moments that we are overwhelmed by the world are the moments we are most sane, because being overwhelmed is the only sane response to our world.  Being overwhelmed has the potential to shape us into humble and compassionate people.  It’s also the fertile soil where action and response grows.

But somewhere along our way, we decided to put ear-muffs on and sing our deceitfully convincing lullaby, telling ourselves that everything is ok.  If we are convinced that everything is ok, than I submit to you that we are insane.  

If you’ve read this far, would you consider praying for our world?  Would you pray for Palestine and Israel?  Would you ask the Creator of humanity and the cosmos to pour out his loving mercy on us?

“Lord, we’re overwhelmed.  We need you.”

Few places are as significant to me and many of my friends as Lake Shasta.  For almost 20 years CrossWinds Church has taken a group of high school students and leaders there all with the hope of encountering our Creator.  We get away from the every day habits and patterns of life to reflect, remember, and recount who God is.  There is no doubt in my mind that over the years hundreds of people have had an encounter with God for the very first time on the banks of that reservoir, under those bright stars, and on those houseboats.

That lake has been the place where countless memories have been made, endless friendships have been fostered, and hundreds and hundreds of lives have been changed.

For many of us, the memories of Lake Shasta also carry difficult emotions of tragedy and loss.

No matter how you look at it, Lake Shasta will be etched into the stories of countless lives, primarily as a place where eternal things were considered and God seemed to show up.

Over the years on the shores of Lake Shasta I’ve prayed with people, cried with people, laughed with people, sang with people, ate with people, been injured with people, and more.

The theme for the week was “The Descent”, hoping to challenge students to be less self centered and more others and God centered in their lives.

On Wednesday night we invited students to make “The Descent”, taking themselves out of the drivers seat of their lives and placing their trust in Christ.

You see, we all place our trust somewhere, or in someone, or in something- sometimes ourselves.  For me, as I reflect on the Jesus narrative I’ve become convinced that the fundamental truth of our reality is that we’ve placed ourselves on top of our lives and messed things up, and that the Christ account is the story of redemption for a humanity that acted selfishly and recklessly – that God loved us enough to take the cross for us and is constantly pursuing us with his sacrificial, redeeming, endless, forever love.  His death brings life to the death that we have created.  The hope of Christ is that he brings life to us both here in this life, and also after our bodies hit their expiration date in the next life, whoa.

It was this truth that we considered that night.  On the rocky slopes  of Lake Shasta dozens and dozens of students responded and began a journey of knowing, trusting, and following Christ.  Lots of tear were shed- it was a beautiful moment, an eternal moment.

As I reflect on last week at Houseboats, I’m utterly humbled.  I’m humbled that God loves us.  I’m humbled that Lake Shasta continues to be a place of significance for so many of us.  I’m humbled that so many of my friends put their trust in Jesus.  I’m humbled that I got a front row seat to it all.

My hope and prayer is that I, along with my friends, will find ways to mark, remember, and continue what our Master Artist is doing in each of our lives, that we won’t forget or move on, but instead be forever changed by the Divine Mystery who is forever calling us home, back to Him.