No Longer Here, Not There Yet

Have you ever had the feeling of being in between? Like something big is coming down the pipeline but it’s not quite arrived. At the same time you’re so anticipating what’s next that you’re not fully present where you’re standing?  This feels like a normal theme to my life lately, but I wonder if it’s just the normal rhythm of being human.  I feel like a sailor who’s been trained to steer ships through the seas but I’m stuck at the marina just watching, and imagining the wind, waves, and ways of the ocean.  I’ve left home, finished my apprenticeship and I’m ready to go, I’m just not going yet.  I’ve let go of who I was for who I’m going to be, I’m just not not there yet.  I’m not here anymore, but I’m not there either.

This feeling isn’t unfamiliar.  It seems we’re all in a proverbial transition from one thing to the next.  We move from one town to the next, graduate college, begin new relationships, transfer jobs, all with the hopes of quenching some unquenchable dream. For me this year I’m newly engaged, and recently graduated.  I’ve held the same job for a while now and I can’t help but dreaming about what’s next.  I can’t wait to live with the girl I love and actually be married, not just dating or engaged.  I can’t wait to be seen as an adult in my job and not just the kid, I long to be taken seriously.  I can’t wait to move out of the temporary space I live in and have a home of my own.  I can’t help but wonder, envision, and pursue the open seas that I haven’t yet traversed.   I think deep down I’m looking for a home.  I think underneath it all I’m desperate for a stable identity, to be done working towards something that is always just beyond my reach.

But here’s the thing.  Within all this perpetual movement I can’t help but wonder:

Is this movement and transition in fact the home I’ve been searching for?

Is life really about the journey – am I too focused on the destination that I’m missing God’s faithfulness in the in between?

Will I ever actually arrive at what’s next?

I’m no longer here but I’m not there yet
Where are you in the midst of the cloud that I’m in?
Two oceans open up before me
But I can’t seem to leave the shore I’m on

As I say goodbye to what has been home
There are no new walls to hang these memories
Who I’ve been and who I am not yet are there
When will I settle in my new skin?

This is what you get when you live like this
Hearts of stone can’t melt in the cool of day
May my flesh die as I learn to trust
What I can’t see in this Winter of our love

There will be a home
For my soul on God’s eternal shores
Where I will hang my memories
Then I will see how you were always there

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